MY JOB AS DIRECTOR OF A NEW CIA
BY JAKOB S. BOESKOV
Given good manpower and an adequate budget I am certain that I could get the CIA up to speed. Let me start by stating that what we’re seeing now is nothing new. The new AMERICAN JUNTA of billionaires, bankers and reality TV stars simply represents the current manifestation of an old problem. Global simulation has been growing like an agressive cancer for at least 45 years now. What we’re seeing now is the birth of what some call The Singularity, others call it TotalitarianCapitalism. In other words: GLOBAL COMPUTER FASCISM. In a world dominated by global computer networks and non linear warfare the NEW CIA will increasingly become adversarial to Wall Street and the banks. In the last few years some new strange demons have been born on the internet: Malevolent corporations, tireless terrorists and paranoid populists. It has been said that it is not easy to be a CEO (after all these pour souls are beholden to Abstract Computer Algorithms of Private Profit) but it is also a challenge to be an AGENCY MAN. Every time we here at the headquarters of THE NEW CIA do our best to destabilize an enemy nation (using well tested methods such as assassinations or fabricated evidence) the Corporations move in and sell the enemy weapons or buy their oil. As kleptocracies take hold in all corners of the world, the NEW CIA become a natural nemesis off Wall Street and the banks. My first order of business as the director of SHADOW INTEL would be to address that. Later on I would address other pressing issues of national security, listed here in no particular order.
The financialization of the American economy is a long term threat to American democracy as wealth is concentrated in the hands of a tiny elite. As director of the NEW CIA I intend to use biological warfare at elite business schools across America and Europe. Agressive strands of disgusting diseases such as syphillis and warts/acne will be implanted on the faces and sex organs of drunk students in the dorm rooms of institutions such as Harvard and Stanford. We must scare young people away from the world of corporate banking.
Every single journalist from media corporations such as FOX NEWS and the NEW YORK TIMES will be interned in large psychedelic camps where they will be forced to take Ayahuasca and read Jean Baudrillard on a daily basis. WOLF BLITZER OF CNN will grow dreadlocks and be a sort of camp leader. Only when journalists refrain from using the word “POST-TRUTH” can they leave the camp and be admitted back into society. We need to raise the awareness of POSTMODERN THEORY and the notion of HYPER REALITY in order to raise the collective consciousness of our citizens. Journalists will play a crucial role in this, whatever they want to or not.
The education of our NEW CIA agents must be completely restructured. All POLICE AGENTS must have a Ph.D. in philosophy before patrolling the streets of AMERICA.
4: THE DEEP TECH-STATE
It is crucial that we neutralize the deep tech state, before it completely destroys all journalism, music etc. We must nationalize and break up Google, FaceBook and perhaps also MySpace if that one still exist. Monopoly capitalism must be abandoned in the name of national security. Secret TEENAGE SHADOW INTEL agents will infiltrate these tech corporations, posing as unpaid interns. These young agents (INTEL TECH YOUTH) will drive on electric skateboards and be armed with secret daggers and hypnotic drugs.
5: AUGMENTED REALITY & THE WHITE HOUSE
THE NEW CIA will use a secret weapon in the White House. SHADOW INTEL will install a secret AUGMENTED REALITY SYSTEM in the press room of the White House. While the AMERICAN PRESIDENT gives an important policy speech we will turn on this secret system and we will be able to hack the AMERICAN PRESIDENT in real time. In real life the President might give a somehow coherent speech but what will viewers see on their screens? An overweight president crying and defacating his yoga pants while he sings obscene songs and throws gold jewelry and insults at THE VICE PRESIDENT.
6: THE SINGULARITY
The current AMERICAN JUNTA can be seen as a manifestation of a computer virus in the neo-liberal capitalist system. We live in the era of networked computers and global simulation. In the era of the simulacra only simulated politicians will be elected. Most American citizens are impoverished and bored and have few future prospects. For them politics is a blood sport and only the most entertaining and grotesque puppets will be elected. THE INTERNET has destroyed music, cinema and culture in general. The only things left for the citizens are sadist reality TV, prescription drugs and the right to vote. We must keep in mind that CIA is an American institution which is beyond the constraints of democracy. In other words: CIA does not need any votes to exist, and therefore SHADOW INTEL is best equipped to deal with the current crisis of COMPUTER POPULISM.
7: THE DAUGHTER OF THE PRESIDENT
As the de-facto first lady it is crucial that we kidnap THE DAUGHTER OF THE PRESIDENT and replace her with a SPECIAL INTEL BODY DOUBLE AGENT. We are not interested in creating pornographic sex videos which sadly only would enhance the popularity of the Presidency. We will instead create embarrassing YouTube videos where the daughter of the President can be seen promoting a hair conditioner named “GOLDEN DWARF” in a strangely cold and a-sexual manner. In this video we will see the Presidents daughter (or at least her body double) press her manicured hand at the nose of a little 10 inch plastic GOLDEN DWARF statuette. A white liquid will then come out of a special lid in his charming little hat. Seconds later a jewelry expert will enter the scene and embarrass the DAUGHTER OF THE PRESIDENT by describing the overall low quality of her jewelry line. This is called PSY-OPS. We will use it often.
8: MIND SLAVERY
It’s crucial that the citizenship must prepare themselves against MIND SLAVERY. In the fight against Computer Fascism it is crucial to avoid pre-programmed and defeatist notions of MIND SLAVERY. Is there anything more annoying than MIND SLAVES who can be heard whining on street corners everywhere: “Oh it is so hard to be slave. My master is so cruel. He didn’t even pay anything to buy me and look at how he’s treating me. What a truly miserable existence my life is. My master has no conscience whatsoever, he is an evil, sadist man etc etc.” There will be little time for such whining. All citizens must stand up for themselves against the new junta.
9: VIKING MAGIC
In SHADOW INTEL we will use well tested VIKING MAGIC. Runes are not only letters in an alphabet, they are also MAGIC SIGNS used to predict the future and control the present. We will use ELECTRONIC ENGRAMS and CURSES to sabotage the machinery of the NEW JUNTA. It’s time that citizens understand that words and language are more than descriptions of “reality”. Words are reality. Use them carefully and do not limit the use of words. Occupy Wall Street obstructed itself with the use of the HUMAN MICROPHONE and a codified POLITICALLY CORRECT LANGAUGE. Do you really want to change society or do you merely want to adjust it and make daily life slightly more pleasant and polite? Citizens must be encouraged to read poetry in order to remind themselves of the dynamic and transcendental aspect of language.